EPISODE 1

POETS' CORNER VOICE-OVER             Mob

POET                                                         Channel Change

SCHMELLMAN                                         Incidental Music

SQUABB VOICE-OVER

GRATEFUL MOTHER

STATION BREAK VOICE OVER

GOD

BILLY-JOE-PLUMB-BOB

POETS' CORNER VOICE-OVER

...And now it's time for Poets' Corner, with your host, Edgar Allen Schmellman!

POET

'Oh, put it in,' quoth she,

SCHMELLMAN

Yes, Thank you. That was from Norman Fell's master epic, "Hokey Pokey." Good evening, I'm Edgar Allen Schmellman, and this is Poets' Corner. Tonight we have a special treat for you. The Poet Laureate for the Appalachian Free States is with us tonight to perform his award-winning collection of epic limericks, "Purty Mouth, Pig-Boy, Squeal, Squeal, Squeal." But first, this message from our sponsors.

SQUABB VOICE-OVER

Do you wear black and refuse to go out by day? Do you think a stake() is a sure way to kill yourself? Do you think the best part of Mass is the red wine? Friend, you may think you're a vegetarian poet, but if you display these symptoms, you may be suffering from congenital vampirism.

Congenital vampirism, or Van Helsing's Disease, is a serious illness that strikes 1 out of 20 Americans, and it can be treated. Squabb Pharmaceuticals has just released a new prescription medication called Vampirol. Side effects are about the same as a sugar pill and include peeling skin, rectal bleeding, and bursting into flames.

GRATEFUL MOTHER

I used to think my son, Joey, was a beat poet, but last year he was diagnosed with Van Helsing's Disease. Now, thanks to Vampirol, he can lead a normal, happy life. He has a job with the Red Cross now, as night watchman for the blood bank! Thanks, Squabb!

SQUABB VOICE OVER

If you suspect you might have congenital Vampirism, consult your doctor.

STATION BREAK VOICE OVER

Your watching K-L-A-N, channel Six-Six-Six in America's Heartland. Stay tuned, because after Poet's corner we have a very special episode of "Touched by Charlie's Angels," where God says:

GOD

I'm getting pretty tired of that uppity colored angel bossing everyone around down there. Come on, Angels, put on your white robes and follow me! [sounds of a mob]

POETS' CORNER VOICE-OVER

...And now back to Poets' Corner, with Edgar Allen Schmellman!

SCHMELLMAN

Welcome back. We're here with Billy-Joe-Plumb-Bob, and he's going to read us the piece that won him the title of Poet Laureate for the newly-formed Appalachian Free states.

BILLY-JOE-PLUMB-BOB

[channel changes]

Back to Works in Progress

Back to Haven Home