After dinner I went down to the Flame to watch some firedancers I'd heard about. It was lovely, but for about four minutes out of the hour, I'm not sure I don't feel cheated with a $5 cover charge.

While awaiting the fire, I mused.

I *think* maybe the reason the women I'm most often attracted to are Lesbians (or to some degree bisexual) may be different from what I'd thought/feared.

See, in a diverse crowd, I'll be mostly attracted to straight men and lesbians. I believed this to be some fnction of attraction to masculinity. At least, I feared that. Yeah, it's dumb, but a part of my internal dialog around sexuality was "You're not really bi, you've just gotten yourself attracted to women who act like men."

There are thirty-leven ways this statement is fucked up, but we'll leave that now for an alternate theory:

I am queer in my sexuality. That is, my sexuality is NOT mainstream, not mom-n-pop, and on some level, I think male-female sex has to work a lot harder to be queer. But sleeping with a lesbian -- that'd be kinda queer anyway, even though it's m-f, right?

And you know what? A lot of gay men's sexuality has become so vanilla it's practically straight.

It's a bias, but the ones I'm attracted to vibe for me (largely because of this prejudice) as the types for whom sex is a boundary-shaking experience, an out-of-the-box experience.

Even the most mundane sex for me is that, always. (Yeah, I know it doesn't show, but trying to create a tedium of sex was sort of Pavlovian Training for me. Wish I'd been able to verbalize it then. I've heard of people getting intentionally fetishized toward words, so that they'd immediately get erect at command. I think I was unconsciously trying to build that, but if I never told my partner that's what I was doing, it was doomed to fail, and perhaps become tedious for them.)

So.

That was my musing. Affected a bit by gin-and-tonics, mind you.

Friday, January 17th, 2003