I recently noted in myself a possible lingering hypocrisy around apologies. I tend to not say I am sorry when I fuck up -- yet hold others to a fairly high degree of precision in the formulation of apologies. I don't accept them if they're "wrong".

Then I thought about it some more, and here's what I came up with.

For myself: I cheerfully admit when I fuck up. Well, not always, but rather more than most people I know. I will admit a fuckup, and if appropriate I will make ammends and report on processes created to avoid future fuckups of the same type. I do not say "I'm sorry", largely because that is a simple declaration of regret, and regret is something I tend to not dwell on. Move forward, is what I say. I make decisions based on whatever I have to base them on, and the consequences arise therefrom. I either get the desired result or I don't (or some qualified mixture of the two). If I am to learn and grow, it is best if I waste very little energy beating myself up and calling my decisions "wrong" or the outcomes "failures". It is better for me to adopt a sort of Scientific Method about it, and just see it as a series of theories and experiments, with no such thing as a failure. I learn more that way.

For others: If someone fucks up, causing people to be angry, and then says, "I'm sorry you're angry", that means very little to me. It's a regret of the consequences, not of the action. I don't much care how you FEEL about it, just tell me you understand what the fuckup was and tell me how you're going to make it good. I've known a few people that will apologise until they're blue in the face, yet never admit that they had made an error. They are generally surprised when I don't respond with a formulaic "that's all right". If they don't know what the error is, they will likely repeat it. And often. And experience has shown me that this often happens.

So: Not a hypocrisy, but a different understanding of what an apology *is* from what I assume the masses believe. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

22December2003