Dilemma

    I love you.

That is the sum of it,

And the trouble:

For you are a beauty,

Seductive, forbidden.

A danger:

A snare in my path.

You pull me in two directions:

You stir me to godliness,

And drive me to oblivion.

    I tried to share God with you,

And you yawned.

    I tried to have you for myself,

And you flashed the most opaque of glances

And pretended you couldn't see.

    You laughed, and played,

And dismissed as trivial

That which made me bleed.

    Yet your body speaks to me volumes.

Your feigned disinterest is denied

By your burning, intent gaze.

But is it my words you are watching,

Or is it my heart for which you hunger?

    Is it the call of God that leads you to

Lean forward, eyes alert,

Mouth pursed as if you would suck down

Every word?

Or is it some baser instinct,

Listening to the hot flow of blood

Under my skin?

    You are a living metaphor

For my struggle within:

In the light of day,

Fully dressed,

I've earnestly prayed for you,

And wanted you to be saved.

    But at night, sometimes,

I'd rather have you for myself,

And in my dark parts deeply wish

You would throw what I say to the winds

And tempt me as I wish I could tempt you,

Sacrificing both of our souls

For the more immediate pleasure

That other conversion could bring about.

    And there, in the middle,

As I struggle to extinguish the dark,

It struggles to extinguish me.

    But perhaps you feel it, too?

The struggle between what you know is right

And what you feel is right?

    I don't know which will prevail,

But what drives me to distraction

Is the possibility that you will remain

An enigma

Forever.

Will you never give in?

    My dark side and my light side

Sabotage each other,

And I am stuck in the middle,

Suspended between two opposite poles,

Unable to find fulfillment in either,

Like some physical yin-yang.

    And you lounge, watching,

Perhaps aware,

As a cat is aware,

Of the turmoil your presence throws on me:

I am stuck,

Drifting, frustrated

Because of you,

Enigma.

    Oh, the power you have over me!

Only you can set me free,

And sometimes I don't care which way.

    I pray you won't tempt me

Before you are tempted by God,

For I cannot accept the exquisite oblivion

You offer me

With your dark eyes

And your body.

But it will be hard,

For the dark path is, as always, the easier path,

And until you join me on the arduous climb,

Our bond (of whatever chain) will weigh me down...

    But maybe,

Just maybe,

It will also buoy you up a bit.

June 2, 1994